Happiness is…..

Happiness is…

My family, a real one, finally. Two beautiful, intelligent, empathetic, sweet, loving daughters of my own.  A real father for them, the kind that comforts them when they are hurt, thinks about what we need to do for their future, teaches them to ride a bike, and gets them riled up right before bed making them laugh and chasing them around! All right, the riled up before bed part I could do without, lol. I am very grateful that things came to pass that afforded me the opportunity to realize my self-worth and that my girls and I deserved so much more in life. I truly believe that marriage should be for life….but everyone makes mistakes, everyone is human. I am so grateful mistakes were made, because those mistakes and my year of healing led me to a better life and to my soulmate.

I always used to think that love should be effortless. That caring and being nice to the ones you loved should be easy. I could not understand why love was so hard. It was hard because it was not Derk. It was not my soulmate. The way we love each other is so natural, so easy, so nice! It is effortless. If there is anything I want to teach my daughters, it is never to settle for anything less than effortless. I finally know what true love is and I want to teach everyone that it is possible, that hope should never be lost, that you should never settle!! It is way too good to give up on, and when you find it, it is magical!

I see my daughters blossoming. He provides for us. He thinks about things they should have that never occurred to me to wish for. Like a brand new bike instead of a second hand one. Like their own rooms. Like a home. Like a family, including aunts and uncles and grandparents nearby who all really want to be a weekly part of their lives. He makes their happiness a priority as well as mine and I do my best to make sure he has everything he wants in return. I promise baby, the BMW is coming!! LOL!

The girls are doing so well now. Playing in their garden, learning how to ride a bike with Daddy, doing their chores, eating their dinner. and the bedtime routine that I always used to do alone before Derk…Now Bella has to have her backrub from daddy every night and Sarin has to have her kiss and bear hug. 🙂 The most important thing a child needs, in my humble opinion, is to know they are loved. The house is nice, the toys and movies and big tv are nice. But what really counts, what was sorely lacking and they now have in abundance, is their father’s time and love.

I am so blessed and so happy to have a best friend, a love, a real man, a partner, and a father for our children.

Happiness is…..my life, my loves.

The Wrap-up

There were a lot of people following my emotion of  a blog for quite some time. I am very thankful for all the support I received because I put my raw feelings out there. What I shared inspired some, gave heart to some, and amused some I’m sure.

I am one of the lucky women.

I am lucky to have an amazing family and even more, a support system from my friends. My friends both in Minnesota and abroad, and there are many!

I have spoken of the betrayal at the end of my marriage, the affairs that led me to believe there was no hope for my then husband. I have spoken slightly of the atrocious discoveries that led to my divorce.

But I have not spoken to the fact that I was in an abusive relationship.

I have not spoken of the holes in the wall I patched, I…not him. Because he would not deign to repair the havoc he had caused. I have not spoken of the fear I felt of him. The way he broke me down and made me subservient to him, the way he preyed on my daddy issues and made me feel so insecure. I haven’t spoken of it because I do not wish to be perceived as less than kick-ass, But the truth is, he met me when I wasn’t quite whole, still traumatized from Katrina, and I think he saw the possibility for ownership. He saw my weaknesses, and instead of trying to help me overcome them as I tried to help him overcome his, he preyed upon them. I married an abusive man.

Why blog about this now?

I certainly want no response from him, in fact, we are happiest when he makes no contact.

I have a friend. A best friend. Whom I have never shared my whole story with. Because I am not the kind of girl who is abused. I am a bad-ass. And guess what?! You can still be a total bad-ass and be abused…I am proof. He made me feel like less than I was, he made me feel like I could not live without him, support our kids without him. That if I told the military police what was really going on, I’d be laughed at, and at worst, he would be kicked out, and then How would we live?!!

But guess what? He did me a favor, abandoned us, even after (and I am ashamed to admit) I might have forgiven his initial indiscretion.  I wanted my kids to be able to be raised in a family that was whole from the get go so badly, that I tried to forgive him. I can thank him for this today. I am so grateful my children are not being raised in an abusive environment now. I didn’t see it when it was happening because I was so attuned to what would make him be set off the least… now I know, now I am living on a daily basis with what a real father should be like. To be honest, I’m still learning. I did not have an example of a real father until I was in my twenties. I am so blessed and I feel so genuinely overjoyed by the goodness in the man that has entered our lives. He astounds me!

I write tonight as I have written so many nights when my heart was heavy. But tonight it is for my friend’s struggle and to tell her she is not alone and she should not be afraid. I know, crazily, she thinks I am one of the most bad-ass chicks she knows. But at one time, it was I, locked in my daughter’s room, sleeping on her floor to protect her. At one time, it was I, barefoot at the neighbors house, crying. Not pressing charges, because I didn’t know the strength I possessed.

Don’t worry honey. When your legs get weak, I will be strong for you. I will have strength for you. I will carry you.

To all women or men, who have had to be stronger than they knew how….for their babies….I will be strong for you. I will carry you.

Heather Harrell

Bella Dauphine at Four Years Old

 

I thought I would let Bella speak for herself…..:)

Bella at Four Years Old!!

1. What is your favorite color?  Black

2. What is your favorite toy? Ariel mermaid toy

3. What is your favorite fruit? Oranges

4. What is your favorite tv show? Clifford the big red dog

5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? pizza

6. What is your favorite outfit? Polka dot red and black dress

7. What is your favorite game?  Umi Zumi on the computer

8. What is your favorite snack?  strawberries

9. What is your favorite animal?  Polar bear

10. What is your favorite song? Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

11. What is your favorite book? Rudoplph the red-nosed reindeer

12. Who is your best friend? Adara and Elissa

13. What is your favorite cereal? Cocoa puffs

14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Dig

15. What is your favorite drink?  smoothie

16. What is your favorite holiday? Valentine’s day and christmas

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night?  Snuggly bear

18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?  Waffles

19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday?  Pizza

20. What do you want to be when you grow up? A mom

Then there was you

There is this meme, or saying or whatever you call it…it means Derk. Everything I went through, everything he went through…happened to bring us together.

He is the kind of quiet guy that doesn’t really like being bragged about..but he fell in love with me, so he’ll get used to it :p I fall more in love with him every day and I don’t even know how that is possible since I love him so much!!! I tried to love someone once before, I did my best, but he wasn’t the right one.

Derk is.

I feel it when he smiles at me when he makes me collapse on the floor with uncontrollable laughter, when he plays with the girls and it is so genuine, when he bosses me around about making a dentist appointment. He is my best friend and my favorite person to be with. I am so uncontrollably excited about getting to see him every day soon when we move to our new house! I never thought I would be so excited about being with the same person every day! I would never change my past, because it gave me my character and my kids, but I am ecstatic that my girls will learn what true love is now. They will have the example in front of them for their entire childhood and I feel that will be a major plus in their adulthood. Unfortunately for my amazing mom, it took her a long time to find her man and I didn’t have that example until I was too old to realize that was what I should be looking for in a man! I feel so blessed that my girls will grow up with a shining example of a REAL MAN treating his woman respectfully and lovingly and in the only way they should ever expect to be treated some day! I am so grateful that my life fell apart so that I might find something not just better but the kind of relationship poems are written about, the kind that will find us sitting on a park bench like in “When Harry Met Sally” and cracking each other up! My life has become a dream that I never even realized was possible. I pinch myself daily. I savor it.I relish it.

I knew what it was to be a happy person trying so hard to make life happy for someone else. Derk suffered the same for so long.

With him, it is effortless. Which is truly puzzling to me, because I always thought love was supposed to be hard. Don’t laugh. I really did! I always thought if it was easy everyone would have it. I never realized until now that when it is the right person, it naturally comes easy. I wish I had known that years ago! It would have saved me so much trouble, heartache, and money, lol! But I am very glad my grrls will grow up with such a shining example of a healthy, happy, fun, loving relationship! And I am amazed that fate brought him to me so quickly! I could have been fighting the good single mom fight for years!!! And that would have been fine. I would have rocked it! But fate, or God, or whatever you believe in, saw fit to bring me this amazing guy, to bring US this amazing guy…at an age when the girls won’t ever remember the previous disappointments, just the amazing dad that they are blessed with.  So I dunno, this is just my inspirational note to the world, because I can not contain this love…it is too great. And rather than drive him crazy telling him every second, I will shout it out to you. And I hope it will also be inspirational to those who are in the place I found myself a year and a half ago. Sometimes things fall apart…

Soooo Lucky 🙂

Sarin Bayona at Two Years Old

 

My baby girl turned two today. I can hardly believe it! Time flew fast with Bella yet with Sarin we seem to have gone at warp speed! It is certainly a little crazy how much this little girl has lived and lived through in such a short time. She has lived in two different Countries, traveled in Spain, traveled through several American states. She also had to adjust in a short year and a half from her mommy being a stay at home mom to a full time college student to a full time working mom! Phew! That is quite the entrance into the world little one!

 

She flourished through it all of course, with the help of her devoted mommy, loving auntie, spoiling grandparents, playful uncles, and amazing friends from all around the world! And of course, her best friend- her sister, Bella Dauphine who has been there when mommy couldn’t be to protect her and keep a smile on her face!

 

And now our family has grown to include the most wonderful man two grrls and their mommy could ever be so lucky to meet. I call him honey, baby, my love. They call him Derky, daddy, and da da. 🙂 He plays with them without being asked, disciplines them when they need to hear it from someone other than mommy, and takes care of us the way we never could have imagined. So while the first year and a half of this baby girls life was eventful, it all happened for a reason. And now I can say she is certainly the luckiest girl in the world and she can stop growing so fast please!!!!

 

 

Bless our happy family!!!!!

Pensive

I have been consumed with living. Not that writing isn’t living, in fact, sometimes it was the only vein of life that got me through. But I am finding every breath of my life today to be monumental and vital and frankly…just really effing enjoyable! I have maintained a happy demeanor throughout the past year and a half and mostly it has been true with a few barely coping untrue moments thrown in, but lately…ahhh, lately. I have hit the motherload! Let me say that my twenties were awesome. I was a bartender and deejay in New Orleans. I fell in love and got married, moved to Sicily and had the two most incredible daughters of all time. I have no regrets. I have no regrets. I will take the moments that were good about that life and cherish them. Life is short. “Love each other or perish.”  W.H. Auden

The truth is that I found my happiness when I had my children. I was happy before, but I was tortured, the sort of tortured every teenager is, small and inconsequential but it seems ginormous. I was selfish. My children taught me that selfishness is the most ridiculous concept of all time!

I recently read “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom. I know. I am like ten years late to Oprah’s book club, lol, but I have been busy!

One of the things I love about this book is how the author talks about Morrie connecting with people and giving them his full attention. I have been doing this for years and I don’t know why. Maybe because I believe that you get what you put out into the world and I always crave attention, lol. I delight in walking through a skyway with a smile on my face. My favorite people have always been those who smile all the time. It is infectious. I want to be them. And now, I am no longer “faking it until Imake it.”

Do I have a long way to go in my career? Yes. Am I helping someone every day? Yes. Am I using the small gifts God blessed me with? Yes, and I am trying. I am learning and growing every day as are my children. Is this a harder life? As a single mom? Yes and no. It is fulfilling, because I know how proud my kids will be of me some day, and it is easier because I have a man in my life who is a true man and a  real man. I don’t have to ask him to spend time with the kids, he plans for it. He has stepped up to be a father figure in so many ways and I am so grateful. My grrls couldn’t ask for a better dad.

Aw shucks, I just hope he plans to keep us around forever. 🙂 And all the things I wanted when I got married… a faithful man, a loving father to my children, someone who makes me laugh, who pushes me to excel in life, and who loves me for who I am..he is all of this and more. I have found my soulmate, that one person. I am so lucky! My grrls are so lucky! And his family is awesome to boot!!

I just want to live every day grateful. My mom taught me a long time ago that no matter what you are going through, someone, somewhere has it worse. Always appreciate what you have. My mom and Morrie would have gotten along just fine.

I feel grateful. Every day. And now- more than ever I enjoy every day. Because I have someone to share my ridiculous kid stories with and he enjoys the simplicity and beauty of it all.

Hug your loved ones. Smile like you mean it. Mean it!

🙂

Heather

Love and Fire Jumping

I have not written in a long time because I have been far too busy enjoying my life, lol! The girls and I are in the home stretch. I am working on gaining permanent employment and hoping to stay with the amazing firm that has stolen my heart 🙂 I am graduating in December with my Associates in Science in Paralegal Studies. The girls are absolutely Loving their new daycare. And last, but by no means least, I have the most incredible amazing best friend and boyfriend that any woman could ever have, ever!! I also have the Best best friend ever!!

We have been ultra busy of late but two of my classes are pretty much winding down and I am weighing the pros and cons of taking a year off before I start school for my Bachelor’s degree (so that I can qualify for needed state aid) or just plunging ahead. Most likely I will take the year off so that I qualify and concentrate on becoming the best at my (hopefully) job!

I am also looking forward to returning my parents’ condo to them and finding our own place! Bella says she is keeping Me, Sarin, and Derk forever so I am thinking it’s time to rent a nice house for all of us soon. Now I just have to find a place that suits my man’s good taste but doesn’t break the bank and is close to work. If anyone can find it, I can…I am a master at finding awesome affordable places!

Somehow, and I had no clue this was possible, I am finding a balance between work, parenting, and being a great girlfriend. I owe a lot of my success to the friendships I have formed. I make sure my time with my grrls is quality time, I work hard at my job and skip lunch to make up for the fact that I have daycare schedules to keep, and I am a good girlfriend to my friends so that on occasion they will take my kids for the night and sometimes I will take theirs! Being a single parent is like a circus balancing act but it is doable!

And I have to give my man mad credit here…

He is more hands-on than I have asked him to be or ever expected of any “father.” The girls lucked out when we found him too!!! And he makes me happy…sooo happy! I was happy before and would have been happy without him..but he makes me sublimely happy!!!

Oh…and a few weekends ago I did the Warrior Dash with my best friend and it rocked and here are some pictures….Bring it!

Also…I am far too busy to update my blog as often as I would like so if my readers who are not facebook followers wish to keep up, they can find me as Heather Harrell, Temporary Case Assistant at Robins, Kaplan, Miller & Ciresi on facebook!

Intern Warrior

Quickly…because it has been a rollercoaster of a week and I need some sleep, but I have to say one of the greatest past two weeks of my life other than giving birth to my kids. Which, let’s face it, is not great actually in of itself. It’s very painful and I just wanted them out..so I guess you could say the past two weeks have been the greatest of my life except for the weeks directly After giving birth to my gorgeous daughters. 🙂 Hehehhe

So, First…My man, my amazing man decided we should get away for the weekend before my internship started and school started and well, life got tougher for  a while. So he whisked me away to California and we had a wonderfully romantic weekend driving up the coast and getting lost in the beauty of it all.

Then we got back and my internship started…the very next day!!!!

Luckily the grandparents were here to watch the grrls and take a little stress off of me. And can I say…I love it!!! I love the firm I am interning for from their stance on gay marriage to their commitment to excellence…they rock! It is a whirlwind and intense but I am learning so much and so thankful to be where I am and have this amazing man to come home to who supports me so much emotionally and wait for it…..ironed my shirts!!!!!

And to top it all off I got to run the Warrior Dash with my best friend this weekend!!! She rocked it and I couldn’t be prouder and more grateful for such a wonderful best friend!!! It was a Mudder Fudder of a race but we killed it!! LOL!

Yeah. Life really rocks! :)))))))))

Crook of his neck

I feel safe here

My arms wrapped around

Fingers holding his fingers

Looking out the crook of his neck

 

Soft curve of his hard body

Breeze from the storm flowing

Over his shoulder

Through the window

 

He likes my caress

He likes my softness

He likes my hard

And the fakeness of it

 

He protects me

He lives me

He adores me

And I him

 

I am grateful

and so honest

and he still loves

as I him

 

Life is good now

No, Amazing

We deserve it

As does he

 

Thank You

Thank You

Thank You

Alive for the first time without question or reservation

Love….

as it is meant to be.

So many dreams come true

We really are spoiled grrls lately! I have the internship of my dreams, the man of my dreams, amazing friends and family, and most importantly the best two little grrls in the world! I was practicing typing tonight and the thought occurred to me that I should finally get back to the novel I have been slacking on for a decade. Truth is, I think the sheer exhaustion that came from my previous relationship made me unable to find any ambition within myself. I have always been more creative when in love and in love is most definitely where I find myself now. I also have a man who is so supportive of me And my children that it takes my breath away. So “Barmaid Bitch” is back on the schedule, lol. I like that I will have something creative to work on while pursuing my academic and career goals. If love gives you wings, let’s hope it also gives you energy because I have the strangest feeling I am about to make all my dreams come true 🙂